Why Americans don't understand football

To all my American friends and readers - I really, truly, honestly don't mean to offend you. This was the result of a challenge I accepted during the WC 2014 to name a reason why football still isn't what Americans think of when they hear "football". Since the WC 1994 in the U.S. a significant rise in popularityfor soccer-football in Baseball's own country has been predicted annualy. As I've been told by nieces and nephews who spent months and years in that beautiful country, soccer is a girl's sport there. Something no real Bundesliga-fan can interprete as a "significant rise in popularity". 

So when during a boring game last summer - I THINK it was Iran vs. Nigeria - I and some Facebook-cronies wrecked our brains in finding an answer to the big WHY. Why, if players like Beckenbauer, Pelé, Steven Gerrard and Kaká are served to the American people on silver plates (carrying them off, afterwards, as part of their salary), is it still not sport number one in the states?

Here's my attempt at an answer:

Why football is for the World and soccer just for Americans.

So Americans have to be kept out of football. I'm all for that and here are the reasons:

1.They already have a game called football and it's absolutely enigmatic to everyone else on the globe. Players can hardly be distinguished due to helmets and bars in front of their teeth (afraid of biting?) This is probably to disguise a player's identity. While in football/soccer every player wears a shirt with his name and a number on it and no disguise is permitted, American football players resemble scret agents wriggling their way into the rest of the world's cell phones. I bet Edward Snowden never got picked for his high-school's football team. It would explain a lot.


2. Football(soccer only to a despicable minority) is about sex. Of course, it is about sex, what isn't? Ah, yeah, american football isn't. Imagine kissing a guy with a cage fit for a guinea pig in his face. And you can't see what he's REALLY built like either. Statistics say that FOOTBALL (soccer) is hugely popular among American women and I can fully relate to that bebause you can actually see the players. And mostly enjoy the sight. Now, as everybody knows, Americans are afraid of sex. They do it, yeah, but do they enjoy it? Like the French who made an art of it? Like the Italians who sing about it? Like the Spanish who turn it into a corrida? Like the Brasilians who make it into a dance and a national symbol? Nope. They don't. So they just don't know what it is all about and can sit in the stands (pun intended) consume their coke and popcorn and watch American Football (or worse: Baseball, a game in which nothing ever happens).

3. They think they can win everything. Americans think they won over England in using the language. Purrrlease – you want to say this is English they speak between New York and Washington? In Texas? In the rural regions of North Carolina? It's not. They don't own the language and they won't own FOOTBALL (not soccer). They think they won over Italy in creating something that's now called American Pizza. It consists of dough piled with molten cheese and fatty sausages burried within. Any decent Italian Pizza breaks down in hot opera-like tears when compared to that food. They think they won over everyone in creating McDonalds (I seem to remember the original scottish clan of that name was wiped out some time ago). While McDonalds is a beautiful place to feel at home and eat something that always tastes the same no matter which country you're in, this is not a victory! It's a thorough defeat of any remaining taste-bud in a human gum. Football (did I hear someone call it soccer?) on the other hand is a question of TASTE. We have vocabular like „Sugar-pass“, „Banana-Flank“ or „Cream-Goal“. Not to mention it is closely linked with consuming quantities of first-class German beer (NOT Budweiser!) And since you can't play it sitting down and there are no commercials interrupting the game, Americans will never win in Football.

4. Football is real! It's the whole, damned f...ing real life rolled into 90 minutes (and often more). It's a place where people – no matter which sex, sex-preference, race, colour, number of tatoos, age or status of marriage – scream and shout, laugh and cry, jump up and down and hug, dance and eat and drink together. It's a conservation area for humanity, hate and love, war and peace, the best and worst in mankind. It's the least close thing to Hollywood you can imagine.For all the above reasons Americans must be kept out of Football. I don't think there's much reason to stress the point, though. Most of the members of the American team in 2014 World Cup are of European, Asian, African or even Native American (!) origin. And coached by a German. So, whatever they win it won't be an American victory. They may have won the war, but to win in football you have to be real. Here and now. And – honestly – how can a game be real that's called „soccer“ (succour, socks, sick, suck)... (btw: I like America, but I like football more).